I have never liked New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I think they're scary because I don't know what the new year will bring or how it will play out. As the year goes on you make plans and get comfortable knowing that certain things will happen on certain days, some of which you might have planned in the "old year". For the most part though, the new year is like a blank canvas or an empty notebook and I like to fill these types of things. So not knowing what is going to fill the emptiness and where and when it will be filled makes me very uncomfortable. I recently found out there is a word for this. Unfortunately, it is not actually a "real" word. According to The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig, "Ellipsism" is a "sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out". In this blog, I will attempt to explain why I identify with this pretend word so much.
I filled my "digital canvas" in Photoshop by manipulating images I found online in order to make them look old or to fit a certain style that I wanted. Then I printed it on what used to be a brown envelope. I didn't cut the envelope to the exact size it was supposed to be and it got caught in the printer and jerked around which caused the definition to come out looking as if a real typewriter was used. I love all of the different layers including the wrinkles in the actual paper! I also like to hide my name in my work like how Alfred Hitchcock made a cameo in all of his movies.
My life is a schedule and it has to be because I rely on other people to help me throughout the day. In high school I even had a scheduled time to go to the bathroom because 12:15 was the only time an Educational Assistant would be available. The accessible bathroom had the heaviest of doors making it actually not accessible. So someone always had to come with me to the bathroom. Good times.
Now I live on my own and I have hired a small group of Personal Support Workers to help me twice a day. We work together at agreed upon times. I know that someone should be here every day around 9AM and we should finish most days by 10AM. Then I know I have to eat lunch at a decent time because the supper person might come at 5 and if I eat lunch at 2, then I might not be hungry when they come and I am not a person who can operate a stove in order to make something myself. Heck, I struggle with pouring a drink. (Juice boxes for life.) My point is, my life has always been around the clock and I even have a plan for if something doesn't go as planned. In the winter I tend to go to bed with socks on in case no one can come in the morning to help me put on another pair,
When I was in college, I had some very emotionally dark times. I had times like that before college and there wasn't a lot to do where I lived so I remember I did a lot of art that if I were to look at it today, I would probably describe it as "disturbing" haha. In college, I didn't have much time to draw but I found another outlet that I discovered in high school which was going to concerts. If you've ever wondered why I've gone to so many, the truth is, they probably kept me alive. They gave me a reason to get through the week or the month or the next three months because I had to get to the next one. I still go to a lot of shows mind you, but now it's more for something to do that I enjoy. It's not like I NEED to go now.
My last year of post-secondary school was particularly horrid which I wrote about on the About Me Page . Having something next week or next month wasn't enough any more and I had to get through one day at a time. This lead to me taking a photo every day, which was only supposed to last a year but I recently celebrated my third anniversary on January 1 this year. It has become a part of who I am now. It has helped teach me that not every day has to be exciting and that something as simple as taking a photo can be something to look forward to. It doesn't have to be a big event, but the cool thing is, by the end of each year, I will have captured 365/366 events, big or small. It is good to know that every day I will find something I will enjoy without always knowing what it will be. Today, I try not to look at things as filling a void. I look at it as setting a goal. This year, writing a blog on Mondays and Thursdays is my goal and I hope you have been enjoying them, and that in some way they help to fill any empty spaces in your day. It may be sad sometimes to not know how history will turn out, but the fun part is you get to make it up as you go along. Go ahead and fill your blank canvas or your empty notebook, but you don't have to know everything that will be included in advance. Take it One Day at a Time.
January 1, 2014 VS. January 1, 2017: I'd like to think that I got better looking in three years but it's probably because I got a camera that was 100x better than my webcam and I didn't have a plant in front of my face this time..